Words | Bullies | Courage

Yesterday my son told me about an incident at school.

There’s this group of kids, ‘the 5th grade “bullies’. The title is well-earned. They name-call, “stupid”, “b—ch”, , “gay”, etc., proclaim worthlessness of classmates, celebrate when words strike tears, and poke fun at authorities who intervene.

Well my guy has had enough of it. He noticed a classmate caught in the middle and stepped in to help. But when the noon aide approached the situation, he got in trouble too. All of them had to stand at a playground pole, in front of their peers for punishment.

I know, super unfair.

Why did they pay the same price!?

There was no evidence or bandage needed, and no proof of innocence or guilt. So the lunch aide was left dishing out consequences for everyone. Bullying doesn’t always leave physical wounds.

Freedom to speak cutting words is a “get out of jail free card” on the playground, and kids catch onto it quickly. Words go unnoticed too easily.

I’d barely made it to the car with my son before feeling the weight of his day on my chest. How did he get through the rest of the school day? These little souls are emotionally charged with relentless dark intention. — What ever caused all of this pain?

We’ve done this before as a family, sorted out tough situations with peers who pick fights. It sucks. It’s not easy. It’s emotional when your kid is facing stress at school.

‘Hurting people hurt people’ I reminded him. (He has brothers. The concept is easy to understand 🙂 We had a long talk. My kids aren’t perfect angels, and I’m not saying my son is a sort of pacifist all the time. But he really did the right thing here. I’m so proud of him!

I know, bullying is an ancient concern – but that doesn’t make a difference to new generations. Today, the added layer of cyber threat draws our attention. When kids get away with verbal force on the playground, they continue it with screens. They practice these habits online, and it is so destructive. Cyber bullying begins with the heart, and so does the solution.

Kids need assurance that their value is not subjective to someone’s words. Adults, we do too. We cannot give so much power to what other’s say.

Well I didn’t come to peace quickly about the day. My husband was away on a business trip, and dad is so good at sorting these things rationally. I was up past midnight, tossing and turning about the situation, praying and premeditating a conversation for the school office about why this is so common at the school…Will my son be the new target? Does the principal have a plan to deal with this next time?

I wrestle often with emotion for this system we’ve engaged, and how digital freedom plays its part. I ache for what kinds of things those boys will say in a year or two online, if not already. I ache for whoever crosses their paths. And I ache for them, for their hearts. Why are these little ones hurting so badly?

Times of weakness test our faith, and it’s a lesson I keep learning.

As we closed the day, I prayed. Lord, let this day impress my son with kindness and care toward others. Help him to value life of each and every person he meets, regardless of circumstances. Let these things be true with each of us, and our kids.

I’m so proud of my son’s courage. His choice to intervene was powerful, thoughtful, and meaningful. I hope he remembers what it felt like to stand up for what it right. I hope he will do it again.

Even when the system isn’t perfect, it is always worthwhile to stand up for what is right. This is the true act of loving a neighbor. This is what we were made for.

I encourage you to take time with your kids and speak truth to their hearts. There is so much peace that grows out of tough conversations. We want to protect them from life’s challenges, but how much greater is it to send them forward with love?

‘Use wisdom, and it will take care of you. Love wisdom, and it will keep you safe.” {Proverbs 4} Navigate conversations with living word. No one can protect our kids like the one who created them.

As always, thank you for joining here~ Together We Thrive!

Ayme

Kids n Technology

“I sent my 10-year old daughter to a sleepover, and they watched YouTube videos the entire time!” A friend shared her frustration. ‘Aren’t little girls supposed to be telling stories and painting nails?’

We sat together, four moms,in a rare conversation…each with a similar story, an emotional thread to contribute. I don’t have a daughter, but it’s the same with boys.

Screen freedom at social gatherings is a much bigger deal than anyone likes to make it. Do you agree?

When kids hang out, are we curious enough about their technology? For the sake of innocence, and guarded for their path, we have to be. What do they see? What do they share? What fills their minds? And how is it affecting them?

A parent can never fully retrace their child’s experience online. It’s just not really possible.

We all know, there’s so much to consider when it comes to social media and screens. Cyberbullying, social media pranks or dares, explicit sexual content, fake identity, pressure to participate, “nudes” (as kids are calling them), etc. — Morale is challenged at every turn, and it’s taking a toll on us, on our kids, and their friends.

With just one click, people are forever changed by these little devices. And it’s happening daily.

So what do we do?

I don’t want to go ‘there’ without some kind of resolution.

Do you?

We have to communicate as parents…carefully and honestly. This is a new role for me, and maybe for you too. These are some ideas to think about, and I wonder if you agree. (Also, I’m just beginning to try these things out & know it’s not going to be easy!)

6 Considerations When Talking with Other Parents |Kids & Technology

Boundaries~ Decide and communicate them as a family, before expecting anything somewhere else.

Respect~ Without concern for one another, a conversation about the kids and devices is a lost cause. If a parent doesn’t show care for another’s values, maybe the kids should keep some distance. It’s not that everyone has to agree, but there should be respect for each other’s boundaries.

Clear Communication about Expectations ~ This is the tricky one. I mean, it really calls us out of the comfort zone. And personally, I have a lot of growing to do here. If our kids share technology with someone else’s, there has to be an exchange between parents about the details. (Agh, it’s even hard to say that out loud. This isn’t something anyone really does, at least not in my circle.) Here are some things we should agree on~

Movie Ratings
Internet Access
YouTube Viewing
Social Media Availability
Location of Screens in the Home
Time limits or Restraints (esp. at a sleepover)
TV Accessibility
Video Game Approval
Ability to Download or Delete Apps
The Possibility of Removing Technology Altogether for the Event

Sacrifice for Differences ~ There will be differences. There might be a few, or there might be a lot, but families rarely share exact standards. And if we agree to let our kids hang out with someone else’s, everyone has to feel comfortable. It might take some sacrifice (for our kids and for us).

Accountability Assurance~ After expectations are spoken, what kind of monitoring will take place? How will I keep an eye on all of this in my home, and how will they…in theirs.

Trust or Distance ~ If we’ve come this far, and still don’t trust a situation for our child (children), distance might be needed. How very difficult this is, we need confidence for their protection.In this season, we’re stunned by the need to speak up. It is so.not.easy. Would you add anything to add to this list?

Join the Conversation~Together We Thrive!

Ayme

Digital Freedom {A Parent’s Role}

What ruins a garden left alone?

Weeds

Yep.

They steal nutrients from other plants, creating relentless battle for survival. — And if the annoying little things aren’t pulled, a harvest eventually fails. Crazy huh, when you stop to think about it!

Where do ‘weeds’ take root in your life, and your kids?

Technology is 21st Century’s “soil”. We hear about weed-like behavior online, and it’s only growing.

Today, parents are digital farmers. (Are you following me? 🙂 Take away the family cow and the tractor, you and I have land to tend. — Your kid’s life is a thriving pasture, and negative influences are weeds. ‘Farming’ is a daily thing, and requires more than surface care. Whether or not kids have a phone, digital opportunity is all around; this conversation is for all of us.

You are a ‘digital farmer’.

What kind of labor are you willing to put in here?

The simple fact is this. You know your kids best, their strengths and weaknesses. You are the best farmer for this. So pull the weeds. Do whatever it takes.

The idea that kids need less parenting with age, less time, — it’s not true! Your kids need more of you! They need your commitment. They need your concern. They need your intentional presence. They need B O U N D A R I E S ! — They just need especially gentle tone with delivery.

(I’m learning this with crazy speed, bumps, and bruises. None of us are alone here!)

How can I offer independence, without loosing too much grip? What is overstep when it comes to privacy? I want to respect my teen, and I don’t want to push them away.

Amen to all of that. Here are some tidbits I’ve gathered in my research, and written down. Hope they rest well with you too!

Digital support is just one role of parenting, and digital freedom is just one part of teenage independence. Don’t let digital independence define your kid’s judgement of freedom. Do our kids realize how good they have it!? What is their world view? (That’s a whole other post 🙂

Screen presence does not define a person’s value. Every one of us is created with purpose. How is technology supporting this? Friends should not be limited to screen engagement, and social media is just one way to connect, etc. Put security in the right things.

The Internet is never private. Screenshots and social networking make everything permanent. Everything you say and do online can be saved and shared, forever. (For me, for you, for every single person.)

Use passwords to protect, not to liberate. Passwords aren’t for privacy between parent and child. Password privacy is ultimate freedom! When your kids have password control, they are free to explore wherever they please.(Temptation will arise, no matter how trusting your kids are!)

Teenagers want to be heard. Listen before you speak, and they will be quicker to hear you out. (Eek, so convicting for me. Slow down, and listen ~)

Set clear boundaries. Stick to them. And review them often. Kids like to know what’s expected of them.

L O V E ~ T H E M ~ F I E R C E L Y (Spend time. Communicate. Accept. Support. Be available. Know them. Know their friends and their interests.)

Be thoughtful. “You are what you think.”

Build on the positive. Help your kids see that you are “for them” and not against them, especially when things don’t go their way. (Disappointments will come. Offer hope as a shield. What is their anchor when things go awry?)

Don’t battle for supremacy. So many times a battle for independence can blind our focus on what matters most. When we parent for their good, not our own, perspective is right. (Another note to self!)

Pull you own weeds too. Examples often speak louder than words.

What would you add to this? I’d love to hear your thoughts! Please share. Let this be a community of support.

Together we T H R I V E ~

Til next time!

~ Ayme

Digital Summer for Families

You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em

Know when to fold ‘em

Know when to walk away

And know when to run ~

Ah, Kenny Rogers…so wise 😉

Parents/caretakers, you and I hold similar cards with “screen time, ” and we’re all-in (like it or not). Digital life is definitely a part of summer fun, & something worth planning for. Are you ready!?

As kids grow more independent and capable, assertive in their own right, every season looks different from the previous, and this conversation does too. I’m learning my way through tween-&-teenage years right now, and digital independence is a hot topic in our home. Shared perspective isn’t very easy at this stage. (not that it ever really was…but sometimes I think we need an interpreter. Ha, just kidding {?} Anyone relate? 🙂

Screen bargaining makes for a stressful home, so we need clarity from the start. With that said, I’ve come up with a few ideas (sharing here for comradery). Thinking it through was my first step. I’d love to hear your thoughts. What works for you?

Create a plan.

It’s going to be worthwhile. In your home, what are everyone’s

thoughts about healthy boundaries with technology?

Communicate the plan and Commit.

Our kids and everyone who is going to be taking care of them should have clear expectations this summer. (Surprises aren’t fun when it comes to this.)

Support the plan.

What are the consequences if boundaries are crossed? Are you going to give more

time or freedom for chores or other things?

4 Steps to a Safe Digital Summer || F A M I L I E S

Digital Freedom | Apps | Downloads | Media

(Saying yes, no, and maybe so…)

What kinds of digital activity are you allowing for your kids? Why?
How do your kids ask for new apps or games? (Can they approve downloads themselves, or do you talk about it first?)
What filters/screen-monitoring do you have in place?
Do you have strong passwords for the internet, Youtube, and other social media?
How much time is given to gaming vs. productivity when they are on screens? (Technology can be advantageous in so many ways. That’s easy to forget when you’re young and free of commitments.)
What kinds of purposeful things can technology be used for this summer? (What are your kids interested in? What kind of apps do they want to download? Is there a real-life skill they could be building on here? Summer is a good time to get to know each other better and encourage individuality.)

Technology At Home

(ClearExpectations)

What kind of time restrictions do you have for screen use? Or –‘’What is the goal?” might be the better question. (I know it is for me.)
Can your kids earn more time, or less, based on attitude or helpfulness? (This sounds like some kind of Pinterest idea that I never got to when my kids were younger. The charts and stickers and all of that was intimidating to keep up with. Why does it have to be so elaborate? It doesn’t!)
How are expectations at home communicated? (Do or don’t do a chart. We’re all different. What works for you?)
Where do devices go when they aren’t in use? Do you have a charging station or something like that?
A written plan | “Technology Contract” I’ve always thought the idea of a family contract for screens is a good idea. It’s never too late to start! Instead of being discouraged that we never did, our family’s going to begin this summer. There are a ton of ideas for how to do this. {I’ll be posting mine on the blog soon! – because that’s my accountability to get it done.} Do you have one for your family?

Technology Away From Home

(Trust, Limits, & Reason)

What kind of networking are your kids doing when they are with friends, a team, or other childcare?
Have you communicated internet safety enough with your kids? Do they know when something isn’t safe or appropriate? (With so many different family values and spectrum of choices, what kind of foundation do they stand on?

*Sleepovers are a big part of this. I’ve read plenty of articles, even one is enough, about first time & ongoing exposure to pornography, pedophilia, or bullying at sleepovers. When we send our kids off to stay with someone else, there needs to be peace of mind here! I felt really inspired after reading this post by Monica Swanson. I’m working on some ideas for our family in this area. Communication between parents is a super big must.

Technology Role Modeling

(Actions vs. Words)

It’s one thing to set limits for the kids, but how about us? Eek. I’m so convicted. Can I shut it all off in a moment’s notice? We’re telling our kids to get outside and curbing their screen habits, but what about ours? In a perfect world, I’d be self-controlled here. I’d set aside limited time each day for technology. I think we all would.

Our kids will be watching us this summer, taking cues about how we manage time. (It’s honestly one of the greatest challenges for me as a parent.) But that’s not a bad thing. It’s ok when our kids see us struggle here. Maybe it gives them a chance to support us too!

I know that having a plan for all of this is going to make summer a lot more fun, and that’s what it’s all about! Counting down the days now:)

As always, thank you for joining here!

Together we thrive~

Ayme

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Summertime Parenting (You Got This!)

Whenever school breaks approach, parents have to up their game. Suddenly, there’s a load of free time to manage. And we need a solid plan. Summer is currently making it’s way. And I’ve got a range of emotions. I’m sure you do too. A little nervous, hopefully excited, but also maybe a bit scared! (ha)

This time of year can be the best for our kids, and us, but the right approach is key. ‘How should we manage all this free time?’ Also, some of us might be thinking, ‘Lord, keep me sane.’

I was going to write this post as a lead for creative ideas. But I don’t think that’s what we need anymore. Instead, let’s focus on you.

In this journey of life, and parenthood, unrealistic goals are among a list of things pecking at our joy. It’s easy to get distracted, tempting to compare. And in the mix, we forget this simple truth. Every family has strengths & weaknesses that do not parallel others. Yours. Mine. — The dynamics of each home are uniquely knit. And in this place you dwell, YOU are the sharpest commander. How can you own it? – “like a boss” – as my kids say.

The best starting point for summer planning, for all of us, is honest and true home connection. As parents, each of us is best fit for this job. No one can replace you. No one else can piece together a better summer than Y-O-U.

I encourage you to take a close look at your kids before you make any plans. Halt the camp sign-ups, the summer sports team registration, and everything else. How can you use this time to meet your kids right.where.they.are? I’m doing the same.

A few thoughts to get us started…

What are my child’s strengths and interests?
What has my child been struggling with this year?

(Ok, stop right there. If we can’t answer these questions, we really just need to go get an ice cream with them and hang out!) Here are a few more for later…

What types of things show love to my child? (Have you read about love languages? It’s amazing how different out needs can be!)
Does my child prefer to spend time at home or outside?
How can I support my child in building healthy friendships?
How can I encourage my child toward independence?
How can I connect with my child?
What does my child need to improve with before their next school year?
What types of values do I want to encourage while my child is at home?

I know this post isn’t focused on technology, and obviously that’s what this blog is really about. But without connection and relationship, any conversation about technology is loosely gripped. What are your thoughts about managing screen time in the summer months? I’ll share mine soon.

Together We Thrive! ~ Ayme